After her brother was identified with the disease of addiction, Sam Fowler and her family members needed to alter the method they lived their lives. In her talk, she tells about her experiences dealing with "the family disease."
This talk was offered at a TEDx occasion using the TED conference style yet independently organized by a local community. Discover more at
Sam, I know your family from Tampa and knew you at St. Mary’s. I’m so proud of you for the courage this took and the vulnerability you have shown. My family also has addiction inside of it and I have felt so many of the same feelings you have described. Once you know another person or family struggles with this, we all become more connected. It is my prayer that God will heal our loved ones and will give all of our hearts the strength to support each other through the hard times. Congrats on your beautiful talk. Know that you are not alone.
Thank you Sam. Think how many families have suffered in silence in these ways. Think of the number of families in North America grieving the loss of a loved one. We must lose the stigma. Addiction is a disease, it is not a moral failing. spread the word everyone. Lets end the stigma!
My 16 year old, once vibrant and happy son is an addict. In the space of one year he has become someone I do not know. He is a criminal and a liar and completely lost. This is physically the most painful thing I have ever endured. I understand your fear and suicidal thoughts as I live it every day.
Family secrets can persist. Being raised by a doctor’s family, we would never think of sharing the deep dark secret that my father was a serious alcoholic. The pressure placed on a first born in a doctor’s family can be enough to have you believing you are worthless. Implicit memories (subconscious memories) can also create serious issues of insecurity and abandonment. These can occur with issues of parental conflict and postpartum depression. Babies do not know what is wrong with mom. There is much more than meets the eye. Trauma and the lack of a consistently available healthy parent can mess a little baby up. Those implicit memories do not go away without healing and awareness. I would hope that more people educate themselves to the many factors which can leave a person in a state of mind that a drug can substitute for real down to earth love and connectivity. They are people suffering from a disease. With most diseases we strive for healing. With addiction we are inclined to place blame somewhere. Perhaps we should all become part of the solution not part of the problem.
Thank you Leslie! I love that spirit! I truly believe we can.
Phil this is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for your insight. I agree with you whole-heartedly. We cast blame with addiction so readily when that is not where focus should be. We need the focus to be on healing and loving people.
21 years old and probably one of the best Ted talks I’ve ever heard youre amazing kiddo and thank you for your words you mean the world to me. I have struggled with Alcoholism my entire life and hearing you speak the way you did on this Talk made me feel very different about my disease and how I can heal it. Thank you so much
Thank you Sam, you shed plenty of light on how my disease effected my family. With certain family and friends is hard to not be anonymous because we feel that they won’t understand or will judge. But others we’ve opened up too have only shown love and support. We all hope to conquer this thing and live a happy, and healthy life.
Going to be in treatment any day now and feel a little scared and happy at the same time.
My Brother who we all adore, is also an addict. It’s devastating for our family as he will be ok for a while, then slip back into it. I think yours is such a great perspective about addiction. As families, we all suffer in silence too much. We have Cancer awareness and support…Why not addiction awareness?! I hope this becomes a recognised thing in future. 💕
I grew up the child of a very mean alcoholic mother, and yes a lot here felt the same way as a kid. I ended up drinking heavily for 30 years and cutting her out of my life (14 years now) because I couldn’t cope with it anymore. Finally sought help, got into treatment and started looking into what happens growing up with an alcoholic, and videos such as this. I now realize the fact that she was above all completely sick. An illness she did not choose! Which I believe will help with recovery in dealing with and letting go of the past. Thank you so much for this strong, positive speech. A tremendous spark to what therapy was already moving me towards.
This hits so close to home for me, brought tears to my eyes, thank you!
💕
Great job, This has helped me to realize how my son’s alcoholism is affecting his siblings.
As someone who has struggled with addiction himself. I will say, i firmly believe all addicts have had something traumatic happen or have a chemical imbalance and are very depressed. No one goes thru the madness and pain of addiction for just a defect. The feeling you get from your chosen substance, is the feeling of normal. You finally feel balanced and soon you can’t live without it. Everyone searches for the thing that helps. Sadly for addicts it’s something that also hurts us. It’s our crutch, only difference is our crutch only makes our “broken leg” stay broken and continue to become more damaged.
Amazing talk for real.
Same here!:(
I’m curious what she means by vulnerability means listening to her sister and hoping she says the “right” thing. She speaks in a lot of generalizations. It is in the specifics that we learn and grow together. It is good not just identifying and expressing sadness and fear but anger and guilt. Instead of projecting those things onto the family scapegoat. In alcoholic families there tends to be unconscious acting out behaviors and narcissistic abuse. And tremendous lying. Cognitive distortions and logical fallacies. Power and control games. Politics and psychological warfare. Sadism and masochism. Exploitation and ennabling and extortion. Recovery is complex. It is an ongoing process. Real recovery tends to involve dramatic commitment to spiritual and moral principles and a transformation that is miraculous in nature. The mental recovery involves cognitive therapy and psychosocial education. The physical recovery ought to be addressed by doctors of integrative and functional medicine.
I don’t necessarily see chemical differences as “imbalances”. Each person/brain has their own unique individual chemistry/personally/genes/needs which MUST be worked WITH. If you are a “round peg” and family/society insists that you fit a “square hole” then you are accumulating complex traum. This shows up as something unhealthy, like addiction. And your repressors will likely be absolutely baffled, because your life was sooooo normal. I mostly see normal is an imbalance of the authentic self!
I have no opinion about IF/where the family in this case might have gone wrong. No no no…they weren’t the only influence on his life. The $y$tem is shallow, repressive and the perfect breeding/indoctrinating ground for this bs!
What a sweetie.
I’m so sorry young lady
We lost our 16 year old son 4 years ago and now have a addicted daughter and our lives are crushed. Your the first person who we have heard mention the pain and what addiction does to the family
@Families Supporting Trauma Recovery I think she was referring to her brother listening to her give this talk, hoping she would represent him in a way he can accept.
I wish you success with your treatment. I suggest trying to find ways to nourish yourself, emotionally, with healthy food, with reading helpful books that you enjoy, surround yourself with people who encourage you, & watch comedies. (Laughter really is great medicine, even if it’s temporary). Remind yourself that you are worth it. G-d put you on this earth.
Oh.
Theresa F I would encourage you to attend “Celebrate Recovery” meetings for yourself. I am in your shoes as well and I get so much out of these meetings. We have to take care of ourselves.
Theresa F I hope your son is doing better… and you too
thank you for shedding light on what families go through in terms of having to accept death of a living loved one in order to cope. Without discussions like this wellness cannot occur. Anonymity reinforces the shame of addiction. We all have mental health and addressing this disease is needed rather than shaming it and teaching for healing.
Honestly, I’m happy I’m not the only person who has had to live with this. Thank you for this.
@Sam Fowler If you’re still on YouTube, honestly, I think you’re the best person to ask. I’m 12, and I have an alcoholic mother. I’ve told my grandparents, they’ve done the best they can to stop it, but my mom gets really angry when I try to get them involved. And whenever I bring it up she calls me an “enemy of fun” and a “privileged child” and manipulates me into keeping my mouth shut. What should I do?
Watching someone you love do bad things is the hardest thing ever
@Sam Fowler thank you for this!! Thank you for shining the light on addiction! I’m an addict myself, in recovery yes but I’ll always be an addict, and your words touched me so much! Idk what im trying to say but thank you just thank you!!
You are lucky if you’ve never seen drugs change a person you love
I totally get your pain.
Please reply to this if you’d like to chat individually somehow! I am so so sorry to hear this, I can’t imagine what a difficult situation that must be
Hope you are well 🙏🏽
As a family we ar destroyed by addiction. Thank I for speaking I know how felt the man had a go job so yes I hid it from my closest friends so thank u
Totally agree with you
@Mini Schniers That’s right. I grew up with both parents active in addiction. Two siblings in addiction. I recognized I was an addict by age thirteen and went into recovery by fifteen. I’ve spent my entire life in recovery (Im well into my senior years) Addiction is a choice. I lived in absolute terror of all my family members as far back as my memories go which is age three. They were all erratic, at times violent (a lot directed towards me) As I healed and grew in myself I eventually eliminated all addicts out of my life, family included, and have never regretted it.
Pop
@Mini Schniers the same
This is the first time I have learned about how this has effected other families or a family member. Thank you for this, I have been trying to save my daughter for years, alone and you are right, no one really cares to listen or understands the pain I am experiencing. No where to turn. I wake up everyday wondering if she will live.
@Phillip Simon instablaster 🙂
I”m addicted to coffee 🙁 i feel like a drug addict 🙁
My brother died 9 years ago, on Christmas Day. He literally drank himself to death. It was heartbreaking to watch. No words can describe the agony of alcohol addiction.
@Sam Fowler yes I do
I can appreciate how kind and open minded she is about addiction. It’s hard for me to do that when a loved one keeps relapsing.
It’s good to be reminded though that it’s best to stay mindful.
I’ve been abusing alcohol for 3+ years now and this hit home.
@Sam Fowler thank you for this talk. My mother and I were talking today about my alcoholism and addiction in the past, and she said that I don’t understand that I’ve hurt people. I responded that living alone after the breakdown of a relationship with the most fantastic woman for me, hardly any friends (granted the one or two I have are amazing and in recovery too) and only my parents to call me each day (which I’m thankful for) I sure realise and understand I’ve hurt many. It’s the ripple effect. I may never truly understand their hurt, but I own the fact I did. Thanks again for your talk! ✌️
I searched for this and found exactly what I needed, not only a group of people in the comments who understand but this TEDTalk that can verify my feelings of my oldest brother being an addict for almost 10 years on and off. It affects my entire family and we all try to help in our best ways but there are too many underlying things we can’t fix ourselves which you wish so badly you can. It hurts. Thank you for this. x when you told the story of no one but you and your oldest brother, I have had this exact situation happen to me. Chilling to hear you’ve experienced the same thing.
I too experience this with my brother. It’s heartbreaking with every relapse. Having your brother say I’ll just eventually die and you have to choke back the tears because you have to support him is not something I wish on anyone.
Im dealing with addiction right now smh.
I went on a binge last night and didnt sleep and i was supposed to go to my parents house to wotk on my car and then go to work but i didnt and now i feel like the lowest of the low crying to my self cuz not only did i not go to work but didnt even leave my room to hangout with my family and children, 😔😔 a whole day wasted. im not myself when im high i just wanna delete myself
@Ernesto Alonzo You have every reason to be ashamed if you don’t get help.
It needs to be recognized now as a disease the proof is right there plain as day…..and it’s sad af that people just wont or don’t want to acknowledge facts……and it’s a very sad reality…….that its almost like addicts don’t deserve the same label as someone with any other disease….it just pisses me off……sorry for the rant
@Ernesto Alonzo Fellow addict in recovery just believe that its possible to walk away from the life and I hope you find your way man it’ll be a tough road but its worth it to take…..you got this man good luck…..hope you all the best and don’t delete yourself because then that demon wins you can’t allow it to…..
Who make choices in life.
@Not sure Hey I just wanted to let you know that they’re options for going to rehab even if you don’t have the money to pay for it. I went to rehab on a scholarship from the actual rehab. It was a smaller rehab, non-hospital but inpatient type setting. I was able to prove I didn’t have the resources and that I was truly ready to get clean.
They gave me a reduced rate which was only around $400 a month. I know how hard it is to face your addiction but please don’t give up. Get on the phone and start making calls, search online for rehabs even if they’re not in your area to see if you qualify. You can do this, never give up.
If you’re lucky you will never experience drug addiction due to lack of love….
I’m sorry for your loss. My 34 year old son is a heroine addict and he does good and then relapses… This last week I told him that since he doesn’t want to go to rehab he needs to move out and now I feel so much guilt. He is now living with my niece and I don’t know what I should do. Do I keep giving him opportunities and allow him to live with my husband and I. I have a lot of anxiety and stomach issues because of all this stress… Any advice what should I do? Thank you and God bless.
My son is 34 years old he is a heroine addict and he was living with us off and on for the last 15 years. He does good then relapses… Last week he relapsed and I told him since he doesn’t want to go to rehab that he needs to move out and he did and now I feel so guilty. Did you go through this as well and did I make the wrong decision.
@Utube03 I sympathize your with situations, as there is only so much we can do for a loved one who has addiction issues. The thing with addiction is that it’s always a constant struggle with that person and it affects everyone around them. It’s a draining cycle to try to support someone whose an addict and it can take a toll on you. I know that there is only so much a loved one can do, and you have to live your own life eventually without constantly living in fear. I can’t say for sure if everything will go smoothly for them living on there own, but all we can do is hope that they learn being sober is the only way they can survive. I hope you and your loved one peace and love.
@Nina Martin thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. It’s very true it puts a huge toll on us and all we can do is keep praying for them. God bless you. Have a wonderful day!
@Sam Fowler I just watched this…how is your brother doing? How is your family? Praying for you all 🙏
@Utube03 have you heard of sublocade treatment for your son ?
@Tanya Juarez no, I’ve never heard of it.
I am so sorry for your loss. My brother is on the same path. 😭 He is 18 months younger than me. We used to be best friends growing up. I have tried to help him but he isnt ready. I hope he decides to change and get sober.
And my husband is a functioning alcoholic who is getting worse. I am to the point of divorce.
@Vara Ashbaugh I’ve seen my share of alcoholism too Vara. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your father.
@Utube03 im so sorry i live with my mom and a couple of days ago i blacked out and i was missing and went to the hospital and this wasnt a one time thing i always drink excessively and i dont know how to control my drinking and now im starting to see the effect it has on my mom and my dad seeing them so scared and your comment made me see the parents perspective on addiction and made me realize my parents just want me to be safe and they are so scared for me
@matthew sanchez I pray that you come to a point in your life that you start to “hate” alcohol to the point that you don’t even want to look at it. I know if you ask God to help you He will, but He wants to see you make the changes. I know it’s very hard because you must have some deep pain that brings you to drink, but for the love of God, yourself and your loved ones pleaseeeee don’t drink anymore. Seek a therapist someone you can express your feelings with, there is no shame and asking for help also many churches have free ministry or even Teen Challenge is a great free rehab. What ever you do just try each day to make better healthier choices. I don’t know you but as a mother I already love you so I imagine how much your family loves you. You will be fine just don’t worry about things we don’t have any control over. Read the serenity poem. 💙
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