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TIMESTAMPS.
00:00 INTRODUCTION.
01:51 What is accessory and also insecure add-on.
08:05 What is Codependency.
20:10 Codependency and addiction recuperation.
54:15 Interventions as well as cognitive behavior devices.
I didn’t only choose rescue, I also chose avoidant types who repeated the patterns of emotional neglect. I chose them because they’re the only people who I came together with ie if someone wasn’t broken, either narcissistic or codependent, high sensitive insecure and messed up somehow, then they wouldn’t be getting into a connection with me…. stable happy people are attracted to and get together with other stable happy people…. so really the way I showed up in a social setting was already a beacon for those people who are not okay themselves…. a lot of my constant thinking about these relationships would be trying to figure out what was going on, whether I should leave or stay, whether it could work out if I approached it differently and yes the anxiety made it impossible to focus on study or complex work tasks. but I have triggers around being deceived and controlled that are more consuming than fear of abandonment
I was codependent due to anxious attachment and now I’m in the recovery phase. I made an important step one day when I didn’t feel despair for not being in a relationship. I simply felt satisfied with my life as it was. Since then I have tried to keep that feeling with the thought that the right man will come at the right moment. No need to be stressed out.
Thank you so much for this. None of my needs were met as a child, and when I talk about it with my mom she rails or yells like I’m doing something wrong🙄
For one hour you described me like you knew me better than I know myself. Every relationship in my life, like you witnessed them. Lots of work to do now. Thank you!
Yes…..I continued in an abusive relationship because I felt I couldn’t exist without him so I tolerated anything that came my way, I chose to stay rather than be alone, I didn’t consciously choose it but now looking back I know that’s what I was doing. Without him, because I was consumed with the relationship, I felt that I didn’t exist. This is the 1 st time that I have heard this explained so accurately. Fantastic content and video.
“the caregivers were unable to cope with life on life’s terms” Whoa….so true…this is the main cause in the person’s childhood that triggered codependency.🙏
I never thought learning im codependent by a relationship I wanted so bad to work fell apart would be a blessing in disguise learning is so empowering..
Not overnight of course but eventually it does feel like a black cloud lifts after doing work .
Secure Attachment entails:
– Responding aka providing appropriate responses to the child’s developmental needs
-Attention to spend quality time for emotional development
-Validation to recognise the good in the child
– Safe Home base, where the child feels free to express feelings freely and feels comfort to be at home, physically and emotionally.🙏 Did I miss anything.
“Alright let’s learn from this.” This should be our encouraging words to our children when things don’t go as we imagined they would.🙏
I dont think ive ever ever ever heard such a complete and thorough breakdown of codependency….thank you for filling in the missing pieces by tying together attachment styles, addiction and codependency.
That’s me!
The need to take care of others over oneself. Stemming from an insecure relationship with my mother. I was her fourth at age 19. She only had it to give to the first two. Too bad because I turned out pretty good. Had to divorce them 5 years ago for my own strength. I’m 65 and pretty happy.
This is an excellent guide/resource for people in relationships; many have codependent characteristics. All relationships are challenging because no one is completely free of mental health issues, if honest!
HaHa…those older sibs got it all! My bro and I were parent’s second family…11 years between fams. You were smart to divorce them when you did. 🤗 5 years ago is when I divorced my entire parental family.
@Sue D. I agree
So frustrating.
I wanted to take a moment and thank you for what you do! You are amazing for helping us connect the dots in our brains so we can better make sense of our emotions and how we process trauma. You are one of the few people I’ve come across that seem to truly get what many of us struggle with. Your HPA axis conversations are life changing. THANK YOU!
This is currently where I am
Any further suggestions from your healing process?
@Mr. Parker keep praying , I suggest sweet surrender.
I’m so glad I could get internet 😭 4 value able information I ve learnt so much I need ed to know and trying 2 make better decisions about how to have a great future 👍👊🤜💯🤛👌👋
The level of clarity! Makes me so forgiving to my (ex) because I realize we are all broken people who need to learn to heal our own childhood scars
Hugs, I was 4th and accident born to a very depressed angry mother who was Horribly abused as a child. I am 66. I had to fight not to be like her. I loved her but she got very violent at times.
Thanks for watching.
Totally agree with you 👍
It’s important to note that attachment issues are intergenerational. So there’s an irony (or logic) to the fact that parents are effectively teaching kids something they aren’t aware of in themselves. Attachment is programmed into your behavior unless you become aware of it. So a lot of anxious/clingy parents are acting that out with kids. A lot of avoidant/emotionally unavailable parents are acting that out with kids. A lot of parents are acting out an anxious/avoidant dynamic in front of their kids, and not teaching them what repair looks like or healthy boundaries in relationships. For some of us who received large doses of all of the above, NO WONDER WE’RE HAVING RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES. I think it’s important for parents to literally become aware that to your child, you are a god. You control most of their world. So, in a sense, your commitment and ability to accept your child is crucial to healthy development. It’s also SUPER IMPORTANT to understand that this should give us a compassionate view of our parents, ourselves, and everyone. This is not about parent shaming – quite the opposite – it’s about accepting that we all have unconsciously learned (in childhood) ways of being that are not ideal. I’m agnostic, but you could say that if anyone deserves a break and some compassion, it’s god. PARENTS – Give yourself a break, but also make-up with your child and teach them about feelings and communication! Relationship safety is paramount! 2 books that I think should be required reading for parents are Raising A Secure Child, and How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.
How did you get out?
@Ops Greg I was physically assaulted so I went to the police and I went no contact. He was convicted 18 months later.
@Halie C47 Wow, sorry that happened my friend… but happy you removed yourself like that. Takes immense strength to do so.. Thanks for sharing beautiful soul….blessings from above
@Ops Greg Thank you for you kind words. Appreciated.
Right nobody says ” When I grow up I wanna be a recovering codependent.” It’s a journey unlearning bad behaviors and relearning healthy ones.This is a heavy lesson lots to reflect on
Thanks for watching.
Mine goes extra silent and stares down at the kitchen table. Will never admit all the resulting harm and the addictions it’s caused.
I feel for you as I know how much it hurts more when they can’t admit it ! I think they know deep down but can’t admit it as then it must be true that they messed up
I’m suffering from this and just faced the rejection and abandonment of my co-dependent 4 year relationship. Now I’m feeling the raw emotions I’ve ran from since I was a kid. This time I’m going to heal, as long as it takes.
Life on life’s term is a phrase people in AA use.
@NPKRN Wow.. you’re comment is so accurate. I am still in this process of becoming aware and healing those unhealed parts of myself and anyone who is doing this knows how painful and uncomfortable this can be. Sometimes it feels like one is going crazy and you look around you to see people who are unaware and not concerned about taking charge of their mental health. I guess it’s easy to sling around blame and play the victim role instead of actually taking personal responsibility and accountability….
@Stealth Warrior 🙌🏾🙌🏾
@NPKRN god tell me about it. I keep having hilarious but tragic thoughts that there should be a dating app for codependents who are recovered or in recovery. People who’ve done lots of work on themselves and want others who have done the same.
@Kendra Shergold Amen to that! I’m with you!
Maybe it’s time to LOOK AT WHAT YOUR RUNNING FROM? 🦄🦄🙏🏳️🌈🔥💖💖💖🏳️🌈🙏🦄😭😭😭😭😭😭
Self rejection, introverted, uncomfortable in own skin at a very young age, brought up with some very strong Southern Baptist preaching churches, and not wanting to fail in many areas.
Becoming a people pleaser, balancing the whole family. Often thought of as the eldest child in family, due to the fact oldest child had been affected by relatives who were entrusted by my parents.
My co dependent behavior was pushed upon me through these couple things.
Fear has been my best friend for 60 years. Fear for myself. But no fear in protecting someone else or standing up for someone else.
Turn into a mouse if I was being attacked, verbally and or physically.
While being groomed for the codependent title. Never did I ever think it was my fault of my dad’s anxiety, of moms manic depression, that my husbands personality disorder, addiction in everything that made him feel good!
But I do feel responsible for my children being raised in an environment such as they were.
Why? Because I knew it was unhealthy, as to why? I Truly thought I was doing them right by trying to be every where and everything a child could need from both parents.
And I will take that to my grave.
Why did I stay in such a toxic relationship? I felt strongly, that spiritually I was to stay. And although I have guilt for allowing my children to endure so much. Two of my three children say if it were not for the bad times in life, the good times could not be had . My 3rd child struggles with being much like her dad.
I don’t know? Codependent has many reasons for existing. Not always is it an abandonment issue. It can also be not wanting to fail.
My husband of 35 years, has been deceased for a few years.
And I finally understand what he endured for his whole life.
And for those of you who believe in a higher power. Yes my husband come to know Christ in the true sense, a year before he passed.
Sorry for thought vomiting. I have quite a lot, deep in my mind, heart and soul.
Logically we break it down into different illnesses. Spiritually I break it down in two categories, With Jesus Christ and with Jesus Christ.
I feel that your videos definitely help all people in self reflection.
I thank you for the breakdown of Co dependency. I’m working my way out of the mess I allowed my self to stay in. I will be a better me!
Yeah I can relate my life’s been on the downside do ya recommend seeingab doctor about this
Going through this still. :/ sorry that you know this pain too, friend. You’re not alone.
@LIL CaEZzAr_420 my “church”.. Unity 🤝 has a codependency group that meets weekly.
I completely agree. Best concise explanation I have seen yet.
Pp
I’m I’m well I I iI hope ioii okBh
,,,
This has been really helpful to me. Thank you so much
Me too
IT’S HARD WORK TO DO..TOO
I’m so scared to live without him because he was the one person who gave me an ounce of stability and safety.
I was heavily codependent though and it feels horrible being without him. I want to beg and tell him I’ll change but idk how to change. So I might as well work on myself and fix these issues
@Charlie Raine it’s God that gives you everything , including stability…its counterintuitive but it might be the opposite of what you think ….He could very well be destabilizing you …I’ll pray you begin rest and recovery Doc snipes is a great start . Then secondly taking the first of the 12 steps saying I’m codependent im powerless over others and my life had become unmanageable….You can do it I believe in you !
You ain’t lyin. She read my entire life in this whole video. My life is totally changed.
Honestly we are so imperfect , that’s why it’s more important to love and let others open to you.
@Alexandra I think it’s a work in progress! You’re doing great and you’ve come this far in improving yourself ! These are big steps ! I don’t think anyone should expect that you drop the negative aspect of codependency in one day! Pat yourself in the back and know that your doing the very best! Your partner will come to you and maybe not everything will be perfect but he will be perfect for you !
@Almila Oztas Yes because it’s a work in progress… These are core attachments that we’ve developed for long periods of time. But the more we are aware and work on it, the better we get
Sending u hugs 🫂 and love ❤️ and may you be healed from the pain ✨️ and hurt that you feel now !
@Rivee Riv Riv exactly..
@Rivee Riv Riv Thank you for your empowering words ! God bless you 🤗😇
Hi
Same for me! Sorry to hear! Sending u love
I used to be an extreme codependent. Then, I used to get mad when I wouldn’t get back the same energy I gave others. I am now creating boundaries and taking care of me! I actually love myself now. I don’t want outside validation. I want to be accepted by me. My goal is to be authentic regardless of outside opinion. Happiness from a healthy space is what I am working on now.
Definitely me unfortunately 😕
This is me as well, i really cant stand my mother now, she did this to me by doing drugs with me, i cant even be happy with the most wonderful spouse in the world.
Some parents and step parents are very well aware of what they are doing. Love means nothing to them. It’s all power and control (sex and lust too) in all facets of their lives.
💯 agree!!!
You are an amazing parent. You did what you could with what you knew. Take back your power and your new identity in Christ and put Him first. As a child of an immigrant unsaved codependent mother… it’s good to see you here. Everything will be okay, okay? May He bless you and your children in all your endeavors!
@KYFPWOW that’s sounds great… nice meeting you here… where are you from??
Letting child explore. Letting child play independently when he/she feels like it.
Yes you can , have faith in yourself, don’t care what others think
So much mother guilt.
@Babs Kaz This applies to fathers as well, or any caregiver. “Good enough” parenting means you paid attention to your kids, noticed when you messed up, and repaired/apologized. You stayed focused on the relationship, rather than the problems. You kept the bond close by “following the child’s need” (and not your own, the adult). If you read this and felt guilt, you may want to look at that. It’s never too late to repair, even if it’s just for yourself. Secure attachment means being secure enough in yourself to apologize and mean it, to forgive yourself, and to move on. Make the effort for the relationship, take the good, and leave the bad. The relationship, the bond, is more important than anything that ever happened. Circumstances are what they are, but love and relational security/safety (showing up for each other) is what matters most.
The more you show up for yourself, the more free you are to show up for others. That’s the co-dependent paradox. “I’m giving so much to others but not getting anything back!” becomes “I meet my own needs, I have more, and now I feel free to give more, and receive more!” Desperation is gone, and there is more room for abundance. There is less “keeping score” and more balance. “If you can’t show up for me right now, that’s ok. I can show up for myself. I know when you’re able to again, you’ll show up, you just can’t right now.” And if someone chronically doesn’t show up for you, then you need to make a choice. But you are empowered to make that choice because you have your own back.
@Dan Squires thank you. It’s a process for sure. I am trying..
@Babs Kaz Me too! Happiness consists in knowing it is all a great, strange dream.
So much love to you..i hear you lovely! I am going through the same or similar things..💖🤗
I am an extreme codependent as well. Did you go to therapy? 🤔
034
MAN! Kendrick said something recently to the effect of: “before you judge another person ask them how they COPE…”
Well said… And you deserve it 💚 I wish you the best with every step of your recovery. Remember, this too shall pass. X
Yes you are going to get through it, Becca. You deserve the peace of mind. This too shall pass. X
@Alexandra I been seeking help since I was a teenager because of the way I was raised. I was suicidal as a teen. I went to CODA briefly years ago. I bought books for codependency such as Will I ever be Good Enough and Codependent No More. I did the 12 week breakthrough program by Lisa A Romano. I been doing shadow work for years now. I did have a therapist but a lot of the things I learned, it was online. I had a recent spiritual awakening that showed me I had issues with self worth and self respect. So now, I am pouring all energy into my goals and telling people no when I don’t want to hangout. I feel a lot happier, peaceful and motivated!
@Life Lessons with Jo hello my friend: there’s a Bible scripture I want to share with you: Acts 2:38. It’d help to read the entire chapter and book of Acts as well. I believe this is the rest of the answers you’re searching for. Feel free to ask any questions. God bless you sister.
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